I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
