I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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