I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
