Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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