and i looked up. we had an audience...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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