Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
