My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
