i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
