i permit you to call me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
