I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
