I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
