every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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