ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
