My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
