I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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