Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize