So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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