I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
