turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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