McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
