I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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