I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
