You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so much tequila, so little girl.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
