My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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