He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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