Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
