just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
