she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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