this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
