also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize