8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
