I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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