I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
