I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
