wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
