at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
