I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
