**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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