I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think a kid would responsible me up
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
