that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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