i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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