I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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