i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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