I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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