sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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