that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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