I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize