So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
