i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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