My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
someone owes me an orgasm
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
