There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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