dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
