i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
