4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
