The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
