Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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